


Twice as Good

by turifer



Series: Play like a girl [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Anxiety, Canonical overdose, Gen, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 00:52:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7596964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turifer/pseuds/turifer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jacqueline Lauren Zimmermann has always wanted to play.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twice as Good

**Author's Note:**

> This story features a canonical overdose. 
> 
> If you worry that you or a loved one is abusing substances, if you are feeling hopeless, or despairing, if you are thinking about suicide--please get help. This story will have a sequel. Yours can too. Resources are listed in the end notes.

“It’s a girl!” The technician beams at Bob and Alicia. Bob smiles wide--he’s always wanted a little girl, and there will be other children later.

* * *

Jacqui’s first memory is of skating. She remembers toddling around the ice with her father holding her hands and laughing and laughing and laughing. She doesn’t remember when she stopped.

* * *

She’s four when she tells Uncle Mario that she’s going to play for the Penguins just like him and Papa. Uncle Mario laughs and pats her on the head. “You’re an honorary Penguin already,” he tells her. She already knows that’s not good enough.

* * *

She’s five when a boy on her team tells her she’s stupid, because girls don’t play in the NHL. She trips him and gets sent to the penalty box. She’s not just a girl, she’s a Zimmermann. Zimmermanns play in the NHL.

* * *

She’s six and she likes skating out and she likes playing goalie. She likes playing.

* * *

She’s seven and she’s already tired of the boys on her peewee team telling her she plays like a girl. As if that is an insult. As if she doesn’t skate circles around them. Papa tells her that they’re envious and the best way to get them to shut up is to be better. She practices hard. She is going to be the best.

* * *

She’s eight when Charline Labonté starts playing in the Q. Jacqui carefully puts up a poster of her next to her poster of Manon Rhéaume.

* * *

She’s nine when she tells Papa she wants to focus on being a goalie. She wanted to be a forward like Papa but the only women who’ve played professionally are goalies. She dreams of being a center but she dreams of the NHL more.

* * *

She’s ten when a boy on her team (there are no girls) tells her she’s a disappointment to her dad. “I bet he cried when he found out he was having a girl,” he sneers. She trips him and gets sent to the penalty box. He’s lucky she didn’t drop the gloves.

* * *

She’s eleven and she wants to punch everyone who says how cute it is that Bad Bob Zimmermann’s little girl plays hockey.

* * *

She’s twelve when she hears a reporter at one of her games ask her dad how he feels about his girl playing hockey. She notices that the reporter doesn’t ask her dad how he feels about her shutout. They never ask how he feels about her playing.

* * *

She’s thirteen and it doesn’t matter how hard she tries, they never shut up. She’s long since stopped telling her parents what the boys on her team say to her. If they knew, they would be sad. Papa would get that little furrow between his eyebrows and they would have to have The Talk again. She hates The Talk. She can’t give up. If she gives up she’s just proving the boys on her team right. If they’re right about one thing, they could be right about others. She doesn’t want them to be right at all.

* * *

She’s fourteen and it feels like every goal she lets in is proof that a girl shouldn’t be on the team. Papa’s stories about his time in minor hockey aren’t like this. He’s still friends with some of his minor teammates. She tells Papa that the guys are busy whenever he suggests having the team over. She doesn’t want him to see how she can’t make it work. He already worries enough.

* * *

She’s fifteen and her petition for exceptional status with the CHL has been denied. She’s had a few panic attacks this year but the new medicine her doctor gave her really helps. She just has to work harder is all. She goes back out and asks Papa to take more shots.

* * *

She’s sixteen and she’s at the QMJHL draft. Her father sits next to her and keeps telling her that drafts are different for goalies. She keeps thinking about how he was in the top three. She’s still waiting to hear her name called and they’re in round three. Her name is called as the very last pick. She looks at Papa and for a split second he looks relieved. She’s grateful for the pills, because she doesn’t think she could stand this otherwise.

* * *

She’s seventeen and she’s the best goalie in the Q. During breaks in the games she doesn’t look at the signs and she doesn’t listen to the crowds. The guys on the team have mostly stopped saying shit to her, but she knows that’s only going to last as long as her hot streak does. She’ll just have to make sure her streak lasts. The captain, Kent, keeps dragging her out to team parties. She hates them. If she doesn’t go she gets called a frigid bitch. If she goes, she gets called a frigid bitch. She knows how the guys talk about the girls they bang. Bad enough to hear that on the ice, she doesn’t want it from her own team. Sometimes she wonders what it would have been like if she had been a boy. Would she have made friends? Would she have been happy? She’s afraid of what she would feel if she could feel, so it’s just as well that she can’t. She tells her doctor that she’s having more panic attacks. He ups her dose.

* * *

She’s eighteen and the NHL draft is tomorrow. She thinks about sitting next to Papa as they call names that aren’t hers. She thinks about what his face will look like. She thinks about the interviews he’ll have to give. She can’t bear the thought. She reaches for the pill bottle.

**Author's Note:**

> In the United States, you can call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (SAMHSA 24 hr confidential hotline) for referrals for services for addiction and mental health issues. You can also call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) which is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 
> 
> [ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) has an online chat feature.  
> Here is a list of [international suicide hotlines](http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html). 
> 
> Here is a fantastic article about [Charline Labonté](http://www.outsports.com/2014/6/11/5799296/charline-labonte-gay-lesbian-olympic-hockey-canada). Also, my apologies to Shannon Szabados who doesn't exist in this world because then Jacqui might have someone else in a similar boat which doesn't fit narrative necessity.
> 
> Yes. I will write a sequel. No, I have no estimate of when that will happen.
> 
> Finally, thanks to esterbrook and to imaginarycircus for looking this over, commenting, and encouraging me to post it.


End file.
